Debbie Zeichner, LCSW

I don’t know about you, but it seems like for many parents, yelling has become their “go-to” reaction, especially in these stressful times of pandemic living and learning. Many well-meaning, well-intentioned parents often tell me they feel that yelling is the only way they can get their kids to listen or take them seriously. Been there? Yep, me too!

You see, even though I’m a parent coach, I *still* find myself losing my temper from time to time, even though I know I “shouldn’t.” Because, like all of us, I’m human. Those triggers can often take us by surprise and show up when we least expect it. Can you relate? You’re not alone!

Although yelling may feel like the answer in the moment, it’s not our only option. This is a habit worth breaking and I’d love to show you how.

Before I do, I invite yo to consider what it feels like to be yelled at. I’m guessing we can agree that it’s loud and scary. Not to mention, all that goes along with yelling – tone of voice, look in the yeller’s eyes, not knowing how long it will last and its overall unpredictability. According to author and psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, “Being frequently yelled at changes the mind, brain and body in a multitude of ways including increasing the activity of the amygdala (the emotional brain), increasing stress hormones in the blood stream, increasing muscular tension and more. Being frequently yelled at as children changes how we think and feel about ourselves even after we become adults and leave home. That’s because the brain wires according to our experiences—we literally hear our parents’ voices yelling at us in our heads even when they’re not there.”

In other words, yelling signals the brain that a threat is near. When the brain senses a threat, the amygdala becomes activated and moves into fight/flight/freeze mode. This is when you may see, for example, defensiveness/back talk/yelling back (fight), running into another room (flight) or blank stares (freeze). Unfortunately, by this point, our kids have already tuned us out and for good reason. They’re focused on self-preservation and will do whatever their unique temperament dictates, as a way of instinctually protecting themselves. Our original message gets lost and the relationship enters shaky ground.

Many parents turn to yelling as a way to feel “in control,” but have you ever noticed that you may resort to yelling when you’re actually feeling OUT of control?? We can’t expect our kids to control their behavior if we’re unable to control our own.

As Positive Discipline author Jane Nelsen says, “Children DO better when they FEEL better.” We all do. The calmer and more connected we can be as parents, the calmer and more secure our child will feel. And the healthier their brain and body will be as well.

What I’ve learned over the many years of doing this work, is that managing our own emotions, triggers and responses isn’t easy, but it’s definitely possible. It just takes practice, patience and loads of self-compassion! To reduce (and ideally eliminate) yelling, it’s helpful to begin by coming up with a plan for yourself.

Here are 8 steps to help you yell less and connect more:

1.) Think about the situations that trigger you the most – Maybe it’s when your child ignores you after you make a request. Or maybe it’s when they talk back to you. Or maybe it’s when they throw that wonderful meal you spent hours preparing across the room?

2.) Notice the feelings that come up – Anger? Fear? Frustration? Powerlessness? Shame?

3.) Pay attention to the thoughts that arise – “I can’t believe he/she just did that! How dare him/her!” “I need to get a handle on this or he’s going to turn into a delinquent!” “She sounds like such a spoiled brat!”

4.) Challenge and replace those thoughts – “My child is still learning and isn’t out to get me.” “He’s having a problem, not being a problem.” “I can help her learn a kinder way of speaking to me.” “This isn’t an emergency.” “I can handle this calmly and respectfully.” “I need to focus on connecting before correcting.”

5.) Commit to PAUSING when you notice any of the above and do something to TAKE CARE of yourself – For example, BREATHE (slowly and deeply), walk out of the room, count to 10, close your eyes, give yourself a hug (yes, a hug!), go outside and notice something in nature, grab a piece of paper and write out your thoughts/feelings or just scribble! Whatever works best for you.

6.) Let your kids know about your plan and the commitment you are making to reduce your yelling – Invite them to help you come up with a silent signal (peace sign, hand over their heart, finger on their lips) that they can do when they sense you’re about to lose it. Tell them it will serve as your reminder to pause and choose another tone. The discussion may sound something like, “I know I’ve been yelling a lot. I’m sure it doesn’t feel good to you and it definitely doesn’t feel good to me either. I love you very much and, it’s not ok for me to yell at you. It’s not respectful. I want to let you know that I’ve come up with a plan for what I can do instead of yelling. You may see me taking lots of deep breaths, or you may see me walking away. You may even see me give myself a hug! I yell when I’m angry/frustrated/afraid (etc.) and it’s my job to take charge of my feelings and reactions and speak to you with kindness and respect. I may need some support and would love your help in coming up with a signal you can use when you see I’m starting to lose my patience (ask what signal they like best). That signal can help me get back on track. If you forget, that’s ok. I’m working on remembering myself. Please know I love you no matter what and care about our relationship.”

7.) If you end up yelling, do your best to acknowledge your behavior, take responsibility by apologizing, let your child know what you will do differently next time and focus on reconnecting – For example, “I yelled at you and that wasn’t ok. I apologize. It’s not ok for me to speak to you that way, it’s not respectful. Next time, I will walk into the other room and take deep breaths like this (show him/her). Again, I’m sorry. I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a hug!”

8.)  Practice, practice, practice and be kind to yourself – Remind yourself that we all make mistakes. Thankfully, our kids don’t need us to be perfect, that’s a lot to live up to! Be gentle with yourself…you’re learning new skills right alongside your kids.

I completely recognize this is not an easy habit to break! The good news? You don’t have to go through it alone. Please feel free to reach out if you’d like a little support from someone who’s been there! 😉

Do you have a tool that’s helped you reduce your yelling? I’d love to hear about it! Email me at [email protected] and let me know!

With love and gratitude,
Debbie

Happy New Year! With the holiday hecticness behind us, now is a wonderful time to slow down and give yourself permission to take some time for you. How have you been feeling? Drained? Energized? Somewhere in between? What might you need to better nurture yourself? I recently read a quote which really touched me, “You matter because of who you are, not just who you parent.“ Let that sink in!

At the start of a new year (and daily!), I love to set intentions. Intentions are focused on how we want to live our lives; how we want to “be” in the world. Unlike a goal, which is about achieving or attaining something, intentions reflect our values and a sense of purpose. For me, intention setting typically involves asking myself “How do I want to “show up” – in my life and in my parenting?” I invite you to give it a try and see what comes up for you!

With this in mind, I wanted to offer 6 positive discipline parenting tips to support you as you ease into this new year:

1.) Know your “no” – The endless list of events, parties and volunteer requests is enough to drive any of us to the point of exhaustion! Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way. Before saying “yes” to an invitation or request, take a moment to pause. Do an honest self check-in. Ask yourself if this “event” realistically fits into your busy schedule and if you’re attending or helping out of joy or obligation? Just know, it’s ok to say “no.” Remember, saying “no” to one thing creates space to say “yes” to yourself!

2.) Look for “yes” – On the flip side, when it comes to our children, “no” and “stop” are words that kids tend to hear all too often (“No hitting!” “Stop jumping on the bed!” “No, you can’t have a cookie.”) Hearing these words can easily trigger our child to break out their boxing gloves, ready for a fight – they instinctively raise anyone’s defenses! Instead, see if you can look for a “yes.” Some examples, “Yes, you can have a cookie after dinner.” “Yes, we can read stories as soon as your jammies are on.” “Yes, you can go to your friends as soon as your homework is done.” Save your “no’s” for when you *really* need them.

3.) Set realistic expectations AND make agreements ahead of time – Children thrive on structure and routine and do best when they are clear about what’s expected of them. Let your kids know what will be happening ahead of time and together make agreements about what behavior is expected. For example, “We’re going to be going over to grandma’s today. There will be a lot of people there who are very excited to see you and it’s kind to acknowledge them. How would you like to greet everyone? High fives? Hugs? Fist pumps?” The other most helpful question to ask your child/children is, “What do we need to remember about how we ______?” As in, “What do we need to remember about how we behave at grandma’s/a restaurant/our friends house?” Once decided, come up with things they can do to take care of themselves if they start to get tired, feel overwhelmed etc. Problem solving with your child models respect and increases the likelihood of cooperation.

4.) Ask more than you tell (and offer choices) – All day long, children are constantly being told what to do, when, how, where and why to do it. It’s no wonder they tune us out! Engage their critical thinking, decision making and problem solving skills by asking questions such as, “What do you need to bring with you so you won’t feel cold outside?” “Would you like to walk the dog or take out the trash?” “Would you like to hold my hand or have me carry you when we cross the street?” “What’s supposed to be happening now?”

5.) Create “special time” – It’s so easy to get caught up in the mad rush to get things done that we may not realize the effect this has on our children. What our kids want more than anything is to feel significant and connected. I like to think of our kids as having little “love tanks.” When these tanks are low, we’re more likely to see acting out. When they’re full, the day tends to go more smoothly. So, aim to spend dedicated, uninterrupted, device-free, 1:1 time with each child. Even 10-15 minutes can do wonders for your relationship. Life is hectic, so just do the best that you can. The message you’re sending is “I’m all yours!”

6.) Don’t sweat the small stuff – At the end of the day, it’s important to know and remind yourself that the way things are today won’t last forever. Our children are always growing, maturing and evolving, especially as we guide them in learning the skills they need to thrive in this big, complicated world. Ideally we’re evolving too! This too shall pass. ❤️

Wishing you and your family all the best!
With warmth and gratitude,
Debbie

With summer coming to a close and the new school year just around the corner, parents everywhere often struggle with making the big transition from long, relaxing summer days to hectic, rushed school days.

Many of the parents I work with say that either getting out the door in the morning or putting the kids to bed at night is their most stressful time. Whether it’s due to dawdling or outward defiance, it’s no wonder parents feel at a loss for what to do!

One of the best tools for managing those morning and evening struggles is establishing a ROUTINE. Although we may think that our kids “just know” what to do, it’s important we refrain from assuming. Making agreements ahead of time, in the form of a formalized routine chart, is key!

Getting started is simpler than you may think. Here are 5 steps to help your mornings/evenings move from chaotic to calm:

1.) Respectfully define the “problem”– The key to a smooth morning or evening is having everyone involved in the plan. So, as a first step, bring everyone together and define the “problem.”

For example, “I appreciate you taking the time to chat. We have a problem that I/we could really use your help with. Mornings (or evenings) have been really hectic. I’ve been yelling a lot and I’m sure that’s not fun for you. It’s definitely not fun for me. I/we could really use your cooperation in coming up with a solution to this problem. You always have great ideas!”

(If you haven’t been yelling, but just want to introduce the idea of a routine: “Hey, I have an idea of something that will help make our mornings/evenings super easy and could really use your help.”)

2.) Establish what tasks need to be completed and in what order – After defining the problem (or introducing the idea), involve the kids in brainstorming a list of all the things that need to get done in order to get out the door in the morning or to bed in the evening.

For example, “Let’s make a list of all the things that we need to do in order to get out the door in the morning and on time. What are your ideas?” Write (or have your child write) down all ideas; even those that seem silly. Remember, it’s about brainstorming and allowing everyone to feel involved in the process. Every idea is welcomed.
(Examples include: get dressed, make bed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, use restroom etc)

For younger kids, try taking pictures of your child doing each of their tasks – the visual is extremely helpful for them! (Be sure to get the pictures developed so they can be put on a poster board, hung on a clothesline, ribbon etc :)).

Consider coming up with specific, fun job titles. For example, if your kids are old enough to write, you may choose to invite one to be the “writing assistant” and the other(s) to decide where the list will be displayed (“list hanger”), how it will be decorated (“list decorator”) etc.

Next, invite ideas for the order of the tasks. For example, “Ok, great, thank you for all of these helpful ideas! Now, what order would be most helpful? For example, do you want to get dressed first or eat breakfast first?” Or, for evening routines, “Would you like to brush teeth first or put PJ’s on first?”

With younger kids, invite them to help you put the pictures in a useful order.

Asking kids for their ideas helps them feel connected and empowered, which increases the likelihood they will follow through and cooperate.

3.) Establish time frames – Kids are natural pleasers and do best when they know what’s expected of them. Along with outlining all that needs to be done, it can also be helpful to let the kids know by what time each “activity” should be completed.

For example, “We will need to leave the house by 7:30am in order to get to school by 7:50am. That gives you a few minutes to play on the playground before school begins at 8am. Let’s see if we can figure out how long each activity will take so that we’re sure to get everything on the list done and also be on time.” (Examples: 6:30 wake up; 6:40-6:50 get dressed etc.)

For some families this extra detailed step is helpful. For others, the list of tasks (or pictures) alone works fine. Do what works best for your family.

4.) Choose where the new routine will be displayed – Once the list (and timeframes) have been established, write it up on poster board or another paper of choice and decide where in the house it will be displayed. Some families use dry erase boards so they can make changes easily.

There can be one family schedule or each child can be in charge of his/her own individual routine (this depends on age of kids, # of kids in household, preference etc.)

5.) Expect some testing and Encourage, encourage, encourage! – If mornings or evenings have been extra hectic, expect some testing behavior. It’s normal for kids to test the boundaries and limits to see if you really plan on following through with the new plan. Change takes time…stick with it!

Now, with the schedule in place, you can allow the routine chart to be the “boss.”  Aim to ask more often than you tell using encouraging statements. For example, “I see you got yourself all dressed, thank you. What’s next in your routine?” Be sure to also acknowledge their cooperation once they complete their tasks. “I really appreciate the way you used your chart to get everything done this morning. We’re on time now! Way to go! Thank you!”

Allowing our kids to be involved in family decisions, while expressing our faith in their capabilities, is how we foster the essential traits of self-discipline, self-worth and self-confidence.

It starts with us! 🙂

Wishing you all the best,
Debbie